Severus and His Innermost Thoughts
by LorMes or LAM
Summary: Severus dwells on the things he has done and contemplates his choices.


Severus and His Innermost Thoughts

Written by

LormesorLam

On Tuesday March 8th 2011

One Shot written in the first person voice of Severus Snape

Disclaimer: I write this out of my love for the character Severus Snape. He is JK Rowlings creation and not mine so read and enjoy and review too. I love him because I truly understand him. May you find truth and peace in the end dear Severus.

Dedication

I wish to dedicate this to Tangerineextreme. She created a video on you tube called Come Undone that is the inspiration behind this story. I saw this video for the first time today. March 8th and Between the music and the incredible way that the video was put together, My muse was jolted into writing mode. Inside of 2 hours I put 1618 words together to make this oneshot. So to you dear tangerineextreme and to all of the Severus Snape fans out there who know that truly he is the unsung hero of this series of books, I dedicate this story to you. May you all enjoy it, read it and review it for me. With writing love, Lori

Severus and His Innermost Thoughts

Written by

LormesorLam

On Tuesday March 8th 2011

One Shot written in the first person voice of Severus Snape

It`s a lonely dark night at Hogwarts. I am in my classroom. I was the potions Master. Then held the position of Defense against the Dark Arts Teacher. Severus Snape. Now, I am soon to be the new Headmaster. I never thought I would see that day.

It is raining outside. I love the rain. I like everything about it. Almost everyone, students and teachers have left for the summer. I like to be here. It`s my home. I like to be alone for the most part, unless the others need me. And that is not very often and that is alright by me. It never used to be that way. There was a time when I could smile, laugh and enjoy being with others. But that was a very long time ago. Back to a time where I was once a student here too. I did manage to get through the entire education at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I was very proud of my accomplishments here but not everyone was. At the graduation of sorts, I looked for them but they were not there. My parents were not there for me. Not proud of their son. My mother would have been. My father probably told her he didn`t want her to go. She is the witch in the family, Eileen Prince. My father Tobias Snape is muggle born, no wizard in him at all. The memories I have of my childhood are not good. In fact they are downright bad. All my parents ever did was fight. It was always my father starting the fights. Calling my mother names and making her feel bad for who she was and how she acted. That made her cry most of all. All it ever did for me, was make me angry. She wanted so badly to use her magic outside of Hogwarts on him, but he would have reported her to the ministry of magic and that would have been it for her. I have to face it, I am a half blood. Half muggle born and half wizard. Putting me right up there with all of the other mudbloods. I should have known better than to call my Lily the same nasty name. I chased her away crying just like my father did to my mother so many times before. It was stupidity on my part. But, I can`t just go back and take back what I said. Wizard or no wizard, you cannot change the past.

How did I end up in this entangled web of evil? I have asked myself that question over and over again. The only answer I can come up with is that it was my own choices. The one who must not be named saw right through me and saw that with a little bit of persuasion that it would be easy to penetrate my heart and bring me to the point that I am now. And now after I did the things I didn`t want to, I`ve also kept the secrets I have kept within me for years. I have to keep them with me for yet more time. I do not wish to do this anymore. Yet I am bound by another. Someone who saw something else in me. Something good. Someone who continued to ask too much of me yet I never seemed to be able to turn my back on him. Someone I myself destroyed. And so I speak of my counter alleigience to Albus Dumbledore. I feel that somewhere inside myself, I owed him. But it was not forced. It was one of those choices I had to make. A choice that was mine and mine alone to make. However, the one who must not be named is different, He took and continues to take and made and continues to make demands on me just because he can. With no regard to me. It is forceful and degrading, painful to my heart like a cancer growing inside of me that I cannot stop because he who must not be named keeps reminding me that it is there. And everytime he reminds me, I can feel the cancer spread through my body. Growing by leaps and bounds, taking over whatever good there is left inside of my mind and body. How I wish I never had to do these things. How I wish for peace. How I wish for no more pain and anquish. How I wish to be free. Is there redemption in all of this for me? Is there true release from the bindings that keep me tied to the walls of my secret prison? Forget Azkaban, my prison runs deeper, higher and thicker than Azkabans walls. It is an inner prison that no-one sees. No-one knows I am in. No-one that is except maybe Dumbledore. He knew and saw. Only he too was in a spot that kept him bound to his own knowledge. He too had secrets of his own that if they were known would put a lot of people in terrible danger, let alone the school, that has become his greatest legacy. And what of Draco? Why did I agree to protect him. Oh The unbreakable curse. Bellatrix stood by me in my own house and continued to egg me on like the one who must not be named and said go…make the unbreakable curse. And so I did. I made a vow to Dracos mum that I would protect that boy. Like a wedding vow, I kept saying "I will, I will I will." Until it was over and I could not go back on it. I vowed to watch over him like he was my own son. How could I. I also made a promise to Dumbledore that I would keep watch over Potter ! James and Lilys precious son. Even though, from the moment he stepped off the train in his first year there, I couldn`t stand to look at him. He reminded me of too much. Yet now I had to. And today, Today when I looked at him I looked deep into his eyes and saw things that I never saw before. Things that brought up feelings that I haven`t expressed or felt in a long while. Love…towards Lily. And an incredible dislike towards James Potter for what he did to me, what he took from me. What more can they take from me? I thought to myself. After killing Dumbledore, a job which was meant for Draco to do, my soul and spirit was drained and for the first time in my wretched life I saw with my eyes what it meant to give up your life for a friend. Even though he and I were never what one would call friends, we were colleaques. As I waved my wand to solidify the agreement to which I had consented to, I found myself looking over at Draco with anger and resentment. Dumbledore knew that Draco would never be able to do what the Dark Lord asked of him. After all, Draco couldn`t kill anything. It wasn`t in him. Now, an antagonist, an instigator, That was more like him. So Dumbledore begged me to promise him that I would step in and do it. Knowing full well that His sacrifice would ultimately lead to me being headmaster. And that would lead ,yes, he who will not be named to believe me and where my allegiences lie, however untruthful they are. I do not know where things will go from here. The question still remains though. What more will they ask of me? My blood? My memories? I won`t give any of them anymore. I can`t. And yet here I am alone in this place. On this dark and rainy night contemplating my future and the future of the school itself. What will become of Hogwarts? Will I be the next great headmaster or will I be its downfall. Will he who must not be named find yet another way into my vulnerable heart and complete his undaunting task of making this unbearable pain get the better of me. Sometimes I wish he would. I know that is selfish of me , but like I said before, I do not wish to do this anymore. I just want this to be over. I just want to be free.

fin


End file.
